Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
