I think my fart just growled at me.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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