I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
