u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
