so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
