What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
