i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
