I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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