i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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