Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
