I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
