shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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