please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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