i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
