Jerry, you need to find god
Buhtt sex?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
