he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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