the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
