yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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