4 words: hood of his car
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize