i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
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