Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
