We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
