Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Too much gin, very little bucket
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
