I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
