addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
