She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize