1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
