I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
