her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
