is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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