I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
