I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
