I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
