I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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