Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Four minutes until I can fart!
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
