Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
