You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
