i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
