thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
