guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
