can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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