I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
