It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
