I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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