Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
