Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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