My balls are so social today.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
