every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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