How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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