My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
