DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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