Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
