My Higher Power is John Stamos
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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