I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
