I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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