I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
