Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
