someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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