come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize