I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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