Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
