I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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