Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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