I haven't been this sober since birth.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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